First things first: we must wish my bloggy wog a belated happy birthday, WordPress having just notified me yesterday that I officially registered with them exactly one year ago. So happy first anniversary to the blog formerly known as “High Priestess Fashion”, now more appropriately called “High Priestess Resurrected” following its root-and-branch overhaul! Here’s to many more! Anyone for a slice of celebratory cake…?
Next thing on the agenda: the real business! Another thing which came to my attention yesterday was that I have now completed six full weeks of recovery meal plans (snaps for me). This realisation in conjunction with the fact that I recently began my CBT-E treatment encouraged me to finally pursue a blog post series which I have been mulling over for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. The name of this series?
A-Z OF REASONS TO RECOVERRRRRRRRRRR! *to be said in the style of that movie trailer voiceover guy*
So basically this series will do exactly what it says on the tin; I will explore all my own personal reasons to recover, following the order of (yep, you guessed it) the alphabet. Pretty self-explanatory. Now, without further ado, in the immortal words of Fraulein Maria, let’s start from the very beginning because it’s a very good place to start…
A is for ACADEMIC STUDY!
Confession: I am a massive nerd. A geek. A dweeb. A bookworm. All of the above. It simply cannot be denied, and I will scream the fact loud and proud from every rooftop, every tree, every mountain; ladies and gentlemen, I LOVE LEARNING!
Unfortunately, extreme perfectionism and obsessive compulsive disorder are co-morbid with anorexia nervosa. And what does this mean, you may ask? Why is this statement relevant? Well, you know when your average teenager complains that “studying kills them”? Yeah…well…studying for A-Levels almost did kill me.
There was no way I could fail. I simply could not live with myself if I did not achieve absolute perfection. So I made sure I did. Every waking second for me was spent in intense study, not one moment could be wasted. Thus, for me, eating became a waste of time, a form of procrastination. And we couldn’t possibly have that, could we, Niamh? Certainly not. It actually got to the stage where I was going into exams having consumed a “lunch” of eight green grapes because the thought of not working up until the very minute I entered that exam hall filled me with fear. I don’t think I can adequately put into words what a dreadful existence this was.
Now, here’s the plot twist.
I wouldn’t change my behaviour in those final months of grammar school for the world.
Gasp.
Shock.
Horror.
There are two main reasons for this revelation:
NUMBER ONE!
No other person on this earth will ever be able to experience what I felt the moment I opened my results to discover that I had achieved 3A*s and 1 A in my four A-Levels. I don’t think any other emotion could contend with that great wave of satisfaction; that adrenaline burst of sheer accomplishment followed by the sudden realization that all the hard work had paid off and you were now going to be studying your passion in the university of your dreams. See that previously-posted photo of the Hogwarts-esque building? Yeah, that’s Queen’s University Belfast and I study English there. Add to that the fact that my grades were enough to garner me one of the five Queen’s Scholars of 2015, meaning that I am now an ambassador for the university and I have my fees paid for by way of a full scholarship. Therefore, it would be impossible for me to regret my extreme behaviour during exam season; had I not been the me I was then, I may not have achieved this great feat.
On the other hand…
NUMBER 2!
A-Level exam season 2015 gave me the kick in the ass I needed to realise that I had a serious problem and that if I didn’t seek help ASAP…well, the consequences simply do not bear thinking about. I was a mess. I still am a mess. But at least now I’m the pilot revving up the engine of my aeroplane, beginning to edge towards the runway. Back in June, I was still a passenger, sitting on my hand luggage in the departures lounge, passively waiting on a delayed flight. I didn’t even know where my desired destination was. The world was passing me by. Well, not any more. And I have the terrible, terrible A-Level exam season 2015 to thank for this epiphany. Furthermore, six weeks under a recovery meal plan may not lead to any sort of weight gain (if I’m being honest, my weight has actually decreased, but we shall dwell no more on that this evening) but it does allow for greater coherency of thought. Therefore, I now realise it would be next to impossible for me to even continue any sort of academic study at the severely low weight I am currently at. Calories are not monsters. Calories are merely units of energy. And energy is what I need if I ever want my devotion to literature to flourish and grow. Recovery is my only option.
I shall leave you with a piece of literature which has recently given me much consolation. I don’t want to be one of T.S. Eliot’s Hollow Men, shape without form, shade without colour, paralysed force, gesture without motion. I must choose to instead embrace my status as a Velveteen Rabbit…
-Niamhy xx
High Priestess Resurrected 