People keep telling me to “take each day as it comes”. This is slowly but surely becoming my mantra. Thus, allow me to begin by informing you all that today, October 21st, is the official three-week anniversary of my pursuit of real recovery (talk about taking each day as it comes to the extremes, eh?). In other words, as of today, I have completed three full weeks of a weight-gain recovery plan. And I have followed it accurately, giving 100% every single day (well…apart from that one day I feel asleep before my bedtime toast…we can’t be perfect all the time). I have two very proud parents and a very proud brother right now, I will tell you that for free.
Introductory fact number 2: my first weigh-in on said meal plan saw my weight increase from 35kg to 36kg, which equated to me reaching a BMI of 15. Allow me to translate that into a language which those whose lives have not been consumed by this terrible disorder can understand; two weeks ago, I was “critical”. Last week, I was categorised as only “extremely severe”. Let me reiterate: I have two very proud parents and a very proud brother.
Introductory fact number 3: despite my best efforts, yesterday’s weigh-in saw my weight plummet once again to 35.6kg. Eating Disorder Niamhy=happy happy. Recovery Niamhy=angry angry.
Unlike my parents and my brother, what we don’t have right now is a very proud or very positive Niamhy. I have been told this constant fluctuation between gaining and losing is only natural; after all, I am now consuming more food in one day than I would have done in one week (this is no exaggeration), hence the initial increase…but my body is so terribly damaged that it is going to take time to adjust. Furthermore, my emotional response is definitely bipolar in nature at the moment; one second I will be absolutely ecstatic to be making progress and gaining, and the next I will delighted that I seem to be going nowhere with my weight gain despite all the food consumption. In short, I am having a pretty tough time of it. However, one thing which I will gladly hold to my merit is the fact that my motivation surpasses my fear and anxiety, as stated to me plainly by my psychiatrist last Tuesday (a moment which left me beaming with satisfaction despite the sting of tears in my eyes as a result of the nigglingly cruel voice in my head telling me that I was letting myself go, something which I did not deserve to do and would undoubtedly regret in the very near future).
So I thought what better way of motivating myself to keep going (especially on days such as this one, decidedly categorised by a desperately negative body image and low self esteem) than by having a nosy at my favourite body positive inspirational ladies? C’mon, allow me these few brief moments of shallowness and give me permission to commend these gorgeous girlies who I think would be the first to agree with me that they are most certainly NOT size zero! Let us begin with…
1) Betty Boop
Who said inspo couldn’t be conceived from a good ol’ combo of pencil and paper? C’mon: the boobs? The bum? I think we can all agree that Betty Boop is the ultimate babe.
2) Zooey Deschanel
When people think of Zooey, they immediately conjure up an image in their mind’s eye of those mesmerising Bambi eyes of her’s. I don’t think anyone gives a second thought as to whether or not her thighs touch.
3) Agyness Deyn
I think I can honestly say that there was no-one in the world more excited about Agy’s news that she was returning to modelling than yours truly. Her exceptional natural beauty encourages me to champion “strong” over “skinny”, and her boyish physique and androgynous style is one I personally identify with.
4) Audrey Horne
Her name is Audrey Horne and she always gets what she wants…need I say more? The woman who made Dale Cooper weak at the knees certainly has a place in my inspo list.
5) Juno (Ellen Page, Juno)
Fertile Myrtle herself is, like, the coolest film character I know and she doesn’t even have to try (if you understand the reference, we’re best friends already). Interesting point of note: Juno is also evidently capable of doing something that I, in my current state, am most definitely IN-capable of, ie-procreating. If the pitter-patter of little toe DNA made of 50% of my toe DNA isn’t motivation, I don’t know what is.
6) Enid (Thora Birch, Ghost World)
Enid is simply the personification of “rad”. I don’t think her position on my list needs any further justification.
7) Dita Von Teese
How could I have lived with myself had I not included a woman who has made her millions out of having the most delectable curves known to humanity? I couldn’t have. Moreover, endless perusal of Dita’s fitness and healthy living regime in the early stages of my disorder informed me that she is an advocate of the power of avocado. And boy do I love me some avocado (as of three weeks ago).
8) Tinkerbell
Anyone who knows me well enough will vouch for the fact that my dream career would unashamedly be dressing up as Tinkerbell and prancing around Disneyland 24/7 for the rest of my natural life. So yeah, she’s pretty much my idol. And how could I deny her a spot on my list when we remember the role she played in the greatest moment in Disney cinematic history? I couldn’t. I simply could not. Let us relive the aforementioned moment…
So, lovely readers, these gorgeous girlies will be my poster girls for the days, weeks, months and years to come. May they serve me well and not let me down. Let’s hope I do their hourglasses proud.
Allow me to close with some comedic relief. As I stated earlier, my ideal job would be playing Tinkerbell in Disneyland forever and ever and ever…but have you ever wondered what an amalgamation of Niamh and Tinkerbell would look like? Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is your lucky day because here lies your answer:
And with that, it’s an over and out from me!
-Niamhy xx
High Priestess Resurrected 